a cold day on hoth version 2

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Utinniii

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This version is much better than the previous one. It is more cohesive and more thought out.

While reading it, my first thought was about the failure of the mission. A food run is not all that exciting. There are no stakes involved.
I also found the fighting descriptions too simple. Taking out 2 Stormtroopers or 3 TIEs in a single sentence seems all to easy. I don't feel the threat.
Now the crash had a lot more detail and I felt the stakes there. That part was interesting.

I'd think about how you represent women in this story. Gratuitous shower scene aside, did she really need to be a stripper? I'm not saying she couldn't be one, just is there enough balance to her character?

This was much better with it just being about the 2 sisters and how they felt about each other. And just trying to survive.

Ending with the hot shower makes for a nice bookend with the previous one. Here it has a lot more meaning.
 
Joined
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texas...earth's Tatooine
Joined
Oct 11, 2017
Messages
1,930
Reaction score
38
Location
texas...earth's Tatooine
This version is much better than the previous one. It is more cohesive and more thought out.

While reading it, my first thought was about the failure of the mission. A food run is not all that exciting. There are no stakes involved.
I also found the fighting descriptions too simple. Taking out 2 Stormtroopers or 3 TIEs in a single sentence seems all to easy. I don't feel the threat.
Now the crash had a lot more detail and I felt the stakes there. That part was interesting.

I'd think about how you represent women in this story. Gratuitous shower scene aside, did she really need to be a stripper? I'm not saying she couldn't be one, just is there enough balance to her character?

This was much better with it just being about the 2 sisters and how they felt about each other. And just trying to survive.

Ending with the hot shower makes for a nice bookend with the previous one. Here it has a lot more meaning.
im considering more changes but id like opions first
what if instead of farris being a stripper instead she was made to dance naked as a punishment for something?
which leads into this idea what if back then(not anymore) she wa adicted to spice or giggledust or some type of drug and she stole it from the hutts stash?
and also i have toyed with making her a lesbian but im not too sure of that idea. what are your thoughts?
 

Utinniii

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Jadesfire133336b

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im curious to what your personal opinion of these characters is
 
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